Want to know what your man is thinking as you crawl into bed? The male brain’s needs, fears, and secret desires will surprise you
TALK MORE LIKE A MAN
We don’t mean to clear your throat, speak in deeper tones, and scratch your privates between declaratives. Just get to the point quicker. As much as men love the sound of your voice and really love to help you out, their attention spans are short. Their minds will wander if they don’t see a climax and conclusion on your story’s horizon. So, as you are sharing the details of today’s run-in with Brenda from Business Affairs, skip the transcript of the exchange and create a highlight reel. He’ll get the gist if you keep it short and just say what’s on your mind—like most men talk when talking with other guys
But, remember, he’s not hearing the story for story’s sake. He’s looking for a problem to fix for you. So, if there isn’t one or you’re not really looking for solutions, broadcast that to him in black and white: “I’m not looking for you to fix anything; I feel better just having you understand how I’m feeling.” Say it your way. Suddenly, you will have given him the reward he was looking for—the satisfaction of having provided something of value to you, the woman he cares about.
HE DIGS IT DOGGY STYLE
Doing it like the lions on the Discovery Channel is arguably the most popular and arousing position for men. Men love the primal element and find the fantasy submissiveness highly erotic. No wonder it’s also the most difficult position for men to hold off orgasm.
TO FIND OUT WHAT HE LIKES, ASK
Guys can be shy about telling you what really turns them on and how they like to be touched down there. So, ask. Your permission to be open will create a safe, comfortable atmosphere that can turn into some really hot sex.
Ask him to demonstrate how he masturbates while thinking of you. Note the way he grips his shaft and mimic it. Also, become familiar with his frenulum, one of the most sensitive areas of the penis, which is on the underside of the head. Playful licks and light pressure to the frenulum often coax more blood into the penis for even harder erections. When stimulating him manually, wrap your hand around his penis so that the fleshy pads of your fingers, not the fingertips, rub over the frenulum. Try using a lube—it will make the experience more pleasurable for both of you. Place his hand over yours so he can guide you up and down just the way he likes it.
To double his pleasure, stimulate another erogenous zone while playing with his penis—his anus, his testicles, his nipples. Lick the nerve-rich seam running down the middle of his scrotum, then gently push up against the base of his testicles with your hand. That’s a way to arouse his prostate, the sensitive gland known as the male G-spot, without having to insert a finger in his anus, according to author Ian Kerner.
THE DOUBLE-HANDED BUTT GRAB
Wrapping your hands around his derriere will make him feel wanted, which will turn him on more than any Victoria’s Secret undergarment. Don’t be shy about squeezing hard. It’s plenty padded back there.
HE WANTS MORE FOREPLAY
You think we’re kidding. Well, the vast majority of men responding to The Big Book of Sex survey said they expect foreplay to last 15 minutes or longer, on par with what the women respondents think.
Slow-burning sex isn’t better only for you. “Longer foreplay helps men synchronize with their partners, giving them confidence and, as a result, better control over ejaculation,” says San Francisco sex therapist Seth Prosterman, PhD. Men know that it takes women longer to become aroused. So, relax and take your time, and put some of your own effort into getting in a sexual mood, suggests Gardos. Fantasize the way you do when you are masturbating alone. Grab your vibrator or use your fingers to start to rev things up. He’ll love watching you. When he stimulates you with his hand, guide him to show him how you like to be touched. Your magic phrase? “Like this.” That’s all—he’ll get the picture. Slip one hand down his backside and pull his pelvis toward you, showing him the motion that turns you on. Don’t forget your line: “Like this.”
During sex, switch positions—you on top. Slowly kiss him along his neck and collarbone. Linger by his belt line, looking up at him as you kiss his abdomen. Then go down on him slowly, looking up at him as you take him into your mouth—which men find to be an incredible turn on.
KEEP THE LIGHTS ON
There’s nothing sexier than a woman who lets her guard down in bed. “He loves when he can see and feel your body, and the biggest turnoff for him is your acting embarrassed,” says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, a relationships advisor for Perfectmatch.com and author of Prime: Adventures and Advice on Sex, Love, and the Sensual Years. So create an environment where you can enjoy yourself—candles, lingerie, whatever you need to relax and feel beautiful. Trust us; he doesn’t see the imperfections that women tend to zone in on—all he knows is that he loves your body.
WATCH PORN WITH HIM
According to a study at Brigham Young University, 87 percent of men have looked at some form of porn in the past year, and one in five checks out X-rated fare daily. That’s probably not surprising to anyone, but what is shocking is how quickly men can become dependent on regular doses of erotic images. The arousal hormones the visuals trigger can become addictive.
If you feel erotic material is interfering with your relationship or he’s using it to avoid something, you should confront the problem, says sex therapist Sandor Gardos, PhD. One tactic is to suggest watching erotica together. “It becomes compulsive when he feels like he has to hide it,” says Gardos. But willingness to share his interest takes the compulsion out of the question. Viewing erotic images together may even enhance your sex life, say sex experts. Focus on genres that you prefer, which are likely to be films containing more storytelling and romance versus raw humping.
BE MORE ASSERTIVE
As much as a man likes to be in control, the bedroom is one place where he would like to see you take more control—and we don’t mean by grabbing the TV remote. Be the one to initiate sex. When you take charge, you affirm your desire for him, something he needs both in and out of the bedroom. Take advantage of his notorious propensity for visual cues.
Outside of the bedroom, wear strapless dresses that flash a bit of flesh. Wear his boxers around the house. Leaving something to be imagined will drive him wild as men get turned on even more by what they can’t see. Slip into the shower with him and soap him up. At a fancy dinner at a restaurant, clue him in to the fact that you’re not wearing any underwear, and see how fast he finishes his crème brulee. When you are shifting from one sex position to another, take him into your mouth and look up at him for a few seconds, then turn around and offer him rear entry. These are just some secret desires we’ve heard from guys. We’re sure you can think of many more.
SEDUCE HIM WITH SUBTLETY
Skip the Lady Gaga impersonation. “With so much explicit imagery in the media, too much exposure isn’t seductive,” says Robert W. Birch, PhD, a sex therapist. Instead, play a little hide-and-seek. Let your shirt fall from your shoulder, undo one more button, or wear a fitted blouse over a lacy bra and watch him ogle you all night long. “Allow the peep to appear unintentional,” Birch says.
ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT IN BED
Men aren’t the best mind readers. But they understand coaching, having spent years playing organized sports. So most of them respond well to feedback and direction. In fact, they would very much enjoy hearing what you’d like them to do to you in bed. If you’re not really comfortable asking for specifics, take the pressure off by talking in generalities when you’re not in bed. Once you’re between the sheets, “turn requests into erotic expressions, not instructions,” says Joy Davidson, PhD, a sex therapist in New York and author of Fearless Sex. “Saying ‘Oh, do that slower,’ isn’t an order, it’s sexy.”
LAUGH WITH AND AT HIM
After her body, her sense of humor is the most attractive thing about women for men who responded to The Big Book of Sex survey. But that doesn’t mean you have to be quick with jokes and witty one-liners. Simply being able to laugh with him, at him, and at yourself is a sign of intellectual compatibility, says Billy Goldberg, MD, coauthor of Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex? “Men want a woman who is as comfortable relating her own ridiculous anecdote as she is listening to ours.”
GIVE HIM PROPS
Remember how hard you worked on those show-and-tell projects in kindergarten, and how good you felt when the class clapped and, at home, dad said “attagirl”? Men are, in many ways, kindergarteners who want nothing more desperately than your appreciation and respect for their hard work. Because that recognition rarely comes from their bosses, it’s even more critical that you give it to them on occasion at home when they do something particularly thoughtful or skillful. Men grow up with cultural expectations to be strong and brave, to suppress their emotions, fears, and hurts, so it may be very difficult to detect this need beneath their stoic armor. But, rest assured, it’s there; men can be insecure.
One of the most effective ways to show your love for him is to fulfill his need to feel valued and needed as provider and protector. In a poll of Men’s Health readers, 66 percent said they want women to compliment them on an intangible yet specific quality, something they uniquely possess. Be sincere: “I love how you always can make me feel better” is much more effective than “You’re wonderful” because it reinforces his efforts to care for you.
GRAB HOLD OF HIS HAND
Many women think that men don’t like cuddling, handholding, and other non-sexual forms of closeness; they’re wrong. Men enjoy it as much as you do, but they are conditioned to hide these deep desires to avoid the appearance of weakness—”non-maleness”—in front of other men and even from you. When you display your love in public by grabbing his hand, planting a brief but passionate kiss, touching his thigh with your hand, or grazing his arm with your breasts on purpose, you demonstrate confidence in your sexuality, which men find irresistible.
THE BIGGEST SECRET SEXUAL TURN ON FOR MEN
It’s not oral sex or the downward dog position, a new sex toy or lube—not even the prospect of a threesome. It’s your unbridled enthusiasm and confidence in bed. Remember that men are action- and accomplishment-oriented. So it is exciting for him to know that he is pleasing you, that you want him and are enjoying him as much as he’s enjoying you.
The more interactive sex is, the better sex is for him and for you. Eighty-seven percent of men say “just lying there” is a serious turnoff, and 57 percent say that silence is a sexual downer. That doesn’t mean that you need to have an orgasm to make him feel whole. Don’t put that kind of pressure on yourself or him. But you’ll satisfy him by letting him know what feels good to you and what he’s doing right. Grip the sheets. Grab the headboard. Moan into his ear and talk dirty. Plead. Demand. Direct.
“All great sexual encounters deliver a sense of validation that you really have something special,” says Prosterman. And your over-the-top passion can help a man feel closer to you emotionally—something guys say is one of the most important elements of unforgettable sex.